Winning Custody: Remaining Civil with Your Ex

Contrary to the media’s depiction of nasty divorces, not all marriages end in a vindictive war between both partners.  In some cases both sides understand that the marriage is going no where and it is best to move on in another direction.  It gets more complicated when children are involved since one side will be granted physical custody, but that doesn’t have to turn the divorce into a dog fight.  There are ways to survive a child custody case while maintaining a good report with your spouse.

Show Respect
A custody hearing brings plenty of opportunity to share the inside secrets of your spouse’s everyday activities.  This however should be handled with plenty of care.  When answering questions to the judge, only give them the relevant information they are asking for.  Don’t embellish the truth or try to make your spouse look like they are the enemy.  The court makes its decisions based on facts, not opinions.  By keeping your answers factual you will avoid burning any bridges that might come back to haunt you.

Act in Good Faith
If you still respect your ex then chances are they have proven to you that they can be trusted.  There is no reason this situation should change because of the divorce.  Just because your love for each other did not flourish does not mean they are a bad person.  Continue to act on the premise of “innocent until proven guilty”.  Give them a chance to participate in your child’s life without unnecessary rules or restrictions.  While you may not love each other, there are plenty of mutual benefits to having another responsible parent in your child’s life.

Be Flexible
Some people abuse the power of being granted physical custody.  They assume a role of dictator over the children and make life difficult for the other parent.  Not only can this type of behavior infringe on custody rights, but quite frankly it is downright unethical.  By working with your ex to accommodate both of your schedules you will make life much more pleasant for the both of you and your children.  With today’s kids taking part in so many activities in school and sports, it is virtually impossible to have a fixed visitation schedule.  Always be flexible with visitation days and communicate through the process to keep the parental relationship amicable.

Think of the Kids
Often lost in the post-divorce territorial battle are the children’s feelings.  It is bad enough they often feel responsible for the break up, but having them suffer through more parental conflict is devastating.  If you have maintained a working relationship with your divorced spouse, make sure you cherish it.  Most divorces end in heated battles that draw a line between two families.  The more you are able to preserve unity for the children the better chance they will have to experience the love of a strong family.  It is simply not worth risking this over trivial arguments.

Winning custody is often the highlight of an otherwise painful divorce process.  But child custody is much more than a glorified power trip over your spouse.  It involves managing the development of your child, which typically means making sure both parents share an important role in their lives.  If you and your partner have maintained a respect for each other through the hard times it is worth the effort to preserve this understanding.  Nothing can ever replace the loving power of having both parents working together for the benefit of their children.

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